The Wedding of Dr. Jekyll

Before composers became too "cool," "hip," "minted," "souless," etc., the classical genre enjoyed a whimsical but immensely quotable pheneomenon known as the symphonic poem. Works such as Dukas's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," Moussorgsky's "A Night on Bald Mountain," Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King," and so forth have enjoyed great fame and instant pop culture recognition for their use in such diverse works as Walt Disney's Fantasia, Victor Fleming's The Wizard of Oz, and that dratted Alton Towers advert.

Somewhere in the ether drifted the great Frenchman (if there was one) Camille Saint-Saens. Famous during his lifetime for such pieces as his "Organ Symphony," (ripped off in Babe), the opera "Samson and Delilah," and his legendary tone poem "Danse Macabre," Saint-Saens was consigned to the gave with his most famous work still waiting to be unearthed. It was the thoroughly delightful "The Carnival of the Animals," unreleased through fears it would kibosh his serious reputation. Far from it, Cam, far from it...

The very nature of the symphonic poem allows it to be utilised in the medium of musical theatre, a nauseating breed of confetti-strewn arsewiping laser lightshows, manically leaping about in hysterical "look at me, look at me, look at ME!!!" fits as they wheeze out feeble blasts of thespic conceit and halfhearted melodramatics, falling to the floor like asthmatic ants suffering from heavy duty hernias.* Now there's a spot of pleonasm for you. Nevertheless, I have braved this insufferable genre in order to pay tribute to a truly great and still under appreciated composer. I do not claim to break any moulds - nor do I claim to hand out any refunds. I want only to make people laugh with classical music. That's right. You heard the words "laugh" and "classical" and "to" in the same sentence.

Don't ask me why the 20-minute show revolves around the wedding of Dr. Jekyll. I like classic horror, I like insufferable British humour as well, and I've long been wanting to dramatise The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (yep, another hollow pipedream), so I suppose it held vague logic somewhere along the line. The songs read thusly:

1. London Town (Introduction)
2. The Wedding March (The Royal March of the Lion)
3. Master Jekyll (Hens and Cocks)
4. Setting the Table (Wild Asses)
5. Love Burns On (Tortoises)
6. What a Pitiful Feast (The Elephant)
7. Toast to Science (Kangaroos)
8. Dark Underground Secrets (Aquarium)
9. Hyde Uncaged (Persons with Long Ears)
10. Peaceful Evening (The Cuckoo in the Depths of the Woods)
11. Day of Evil (Tropical Birds)
12. Hiding Hyde (Pianists)
13. Deeds of Cruelty and Violence (Fossils)
14. Love Extinguished (The Swan)
15. Flawed Autopsy (Finale)

Actually, that last number does sound a wee bit grim, but it's all in good, wholesome, twisted, family fun. Nevermind. Updates should be posted, but I can't vouch for that. Anybody who cares to bid for the directorial rights ought to post a comment. They ought to, they ought! Arrrrhghh!

* Christmas Schooner, sit up and take notice. And, yes. You were in competition with A Christmas Carol. How dare you usurp our revenue?

Greatest Horror Films: 1930's

A compendium of Hollywood's greatest classic horror films, targeted to tutor the uninitiated in the fine art of golden terror.

• Frankenstein: The archetype of the horror genre is at heart an emotive morality tale, entrenched equally in pastoral countryside and austere charnelhouse as the Monster's tragedy unfolds. Launched the careers of Boris Karloff and director James Whale in grand, Germanic style, two essential elements in horror history. 6#.
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The vibrant and imaginative stylistics of director Rouben Mamoulian enhance this gritty drama of good and evil; the restrained, mannered Victorian versus age-old animal lust. Fredric March won a Best Actor Oscar for his dynamic efforts in the dual title role, and Miriam Hopkins is also brilliant. #2.
• White Zombie: Some of the most strikingly weird and hypnotic imagery in any horror film, with dancing shadows, glowing eyes, phantom heads, spiritual visions, and Bela Lugosi's haunting role as a reckless voodoo master. Notable for introducing undead zombies to cinema for the first time, as pallid, shuffling automons who slave on a sugar plantation. 7#.
• The Invisible Man: This classic story of meddling "in things man must leave alone" hasn't dated a day, retaining its absorbing drama, crazed scientific principles, and cruel wit in the person of Claude Rains. The marvellous special effects of John P. Fulton are seamless, unparalleled, and strangely beautiful, going miles beyond the hokey piano wire. 4#.
• King Kong: There's little left to say about the king of lost civilizations, imperiled heroines, stirring adventure, and really, really big apes. Possibly the definition of "movie milestone," it offers incredible fascination and entertainment even today, not least in its stunning technical wizardry. 5#.
• The Black Cat: Edgar Allan Poe would have reveled in this darkly suggestive, endlessly moody melodrama, displaying a twisted Bauhaus fortress plagued by bloody war and lurid Satanic worship. Slyly understated in its chilling horror and sexual sadism, this retains a nightmarish quality of inevitable doom - with Karloff and Lugosi, nonetheless! 3#.
• Bride of Frankenstein: Suppose that Shakespeare made a horror film - here it is, comedy, tragedy, and cinema history rolled into one audacious powerhouse. Revolutionary in its "camp" humour, eccentric character theatrics, and unreal stylization (not to mention a fabulous musical score), this is a genuine triumph of James Whale's directorial vision. #1.
• The Raven: Unprecedented Grand Guignol entertainment reigns in this insanity-fuelled, serial-like, comic strip torture tale. A true anomaly for Universal Pictures, as Lugosi was given the chance to dominate Karloff, and delivered the goods with wickedly bombastic, barnstorming flamboyance. 9#.
• Dracula's Daughter: Gloria Holden lends this vampire yarn a dignified melancholy and powerful belivability, despite lacking the infamous Count. A strangely sympathetic and rather spooky entry in a hopelessly stereotyped sub-genre, and the valuable inspiration for Anne Rice's phenomenally-popular Vampire Chronicles. 10#.
• Son of Frankenstein: Basil Rathbone (Sherlock Holmes himself), Karloff (in his most famous role), Lugosi, and Lionel Atwill (both at the peak of their talents in the finest roles of their careers), pad the cast of this monster myth. Epic in expressionistic sets and sprawling scope, this is the classic that relaunched Hollywood horror, ushering in a second Golden Age... 8#.

It was tough paring down the list of 1930's classics to ten films. Strongly considered were Bela Lugosi's legendary Count Dracula, Tod Browning's monster show using real-life Freaks, resurrected Egyptian Boris Karloff as The Mummy, Lionel Atwill scavenging the local morgue for beautiful corpses, ushering in the Mystery of the Wax Museum, Jack Pierce's makeup genius creating Henry Hull's WereWolf of London, Bela Lugosi's Gothic nightmare, struck by the Mark of the Vampire, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame, played by the heartbreaking Charles Laughton, which comes in at a very close #11. The list goes on. Also, please keep in mind that there are more than a few holes in my viewing pattern. Having dusted off all the classics available to me, it becomes clear that there are hundreds of titles still missing on television, video, and DVD. As a result, this list will update as time goes on...

Disney's Lynch-Pin: an Academic Study of Feathers, Beaks, and Sloppy Animation

It's true. You've heard the rumours. There is a sidekick that plagues film after Disney film. The comically-wobbling BIRD!

Now that you have looked undiluted fear in the face, do not be afraid. All will be revealed.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Well, for one thing, you have those pedantic, twittering, do-gooder birds flushing dust out of Snow White's house. Oh, wait - it wasn't her house. She broke into the residence of the seven dwarfs (they're just friends... right?) with her prime monkey wrench without permission, and persisted to steal pounds and pounds of valuable dust! She didn't even have the sense to sell it off to Jafar, or whichever other bum was roosting in the bushes. She pissed it away, in all senses of the phrase! Doc must have cried his eyes out.

There are also some rather evil vultures who munch on the queen's horribly mangled corpse, before giving not-so-Happy a keen mangling (see the director's cut). Hoping to capitalise on Hollywood's horror boom (running 1931-36, Snow White was only a year too late), somebody on the Disney team must have remembered Bela Lugosi's similar vulture in White Zombie (1932), or even that dratted cockatoo in Mad Love (1935). They're really cool looking, but you can bet your clogs that they'll have terrible personalities.

Then there's that squawkin' crow that inhabits the queen's lab. Frankly, he looked too much like flatulent Jeremy in Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH for comfort. Actually, a close inspection of the film's credits reveals that the crow was played by one "J. Eremy." Well, I'm puzzled. if there are any fans of the Sunday Times crossword who'd like to solve this fledgling mystery, post a comment. Please!

Next time: we dissect that jovial wooden window dressing: Pinocchio, which holds the unique distinction of being Disney's most commonly misspelled film. If you would like to vote for a favourite Disney bird, feel free. It's not like I'm in cahoots with the WED merchandising team or... anything resembling... that sort of factual... indicia...

Gotta go!

Chapter Two: Owl Post Revisited

Another delightful plagiarist activity: the second installment of "Harry Potter: the Opera," which can be traced back to "Larry Rotter," (starring Simmers as the boy you love to hate) in itself a thinly disguised rip-off of Erica Smith's bestselling novella "Barry Trotter," which derived its comic inspiration from the obscure "Harry Potter," a piss-take of "The Worst Witch," who's origins go back to vile Satanic orgies among devil worshippers in the boy's toilets in manor School. It's truly the stench of evil you sense there, ignoble traveller... Enjoy the ride! I will too, provided that Bill Oddie doesn't jump out of my evening Coco Pops. One cannot be too careful where nature is concerned.


On the Hogwarts Express
(NOTE: from here on, the motherly voice of Stephen Fry appears in neatly bracketed italics)
(Harry, Hermione and Ron are all in a train compartment, possibly a line of tables, upturned, with red cloths on. The train’s smoke can be signified by black and grey tissue paper.)
Hermione: Harry Potter! Reaaally! I’ve read all about you, you know! Why, you’re- (Muffled noise comes from under Hermione) Oh sorry Ron!
Ron: Watch where you plant yourself, you great kettle!
Harry: Will you two please stop bickering! I can feel one of my dark-wizard induced migraines coming on!
Hermione: A migraine! That means that Voldemort must be on the train!
Ron: Voldemort! Never!
(Enter Dumbledore wearing a late 90’s dinner-ladies apron.)
Dumbledore: Anythin’ of’t trolley dears!
Harry: My God you need a shave!
Hermione: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! It’s Him! It’s Him!
(Harry, Hermione and Ron scuttle around listlessly, trying vainly to set fire to each other in abstract panic.)
Ron: Noooooo! I’m flammable, I’m highly flammable!
(Ron’s midriff impulsively catches fire.)
Harry: Pull the beard! Pull the beard! It’s an ever-so-clever disguise!
(Harry pulls Dumbledore’s beard. It does not come off. Ron smoulders obediently on the floor.)
Dumbledore: Alas, you’ve found me out! I’ve had to do this job for nine years, due to budget cuts.
Hermione: Budget cuts! Why can’t you just magic money out of thin air!
(Dumbledore does a small hand gesture by rubbing two fingers together, signifying money. Ron smoulders obediently on the floor.)
Dumbledore: So… anythin’ of’t trolley dears!
(Hedwig, signified by an old tea cosy painted white, flies at the old coot.)
Dumbledore: Aaaahh! Never work wi’ children or animals, they told me! Did I listen, did I ‘ell! An’ look where it’s got me now!
(Several treats fall into the laps of Harry, Hermione, and Ron. Hedwig flutters to the windowsill, before being sucked out through a microscopic crack. All chortle at its grave misfortune.)
Hermione: Do you think we should take these back?
Ron: Nah, we don’t have to pay for it! Come on… I’m cheap! My mother’s a ball of goddamn wool, for goodness sake!
(Ron righteously throws himself at a pumpkin pasty nearly twice his size.)
Hermione: Just because you couldn’t afford to stitch your own arm back on properly!
Harry: Oh, please stop this bickering! I can feel one of my dark wizard-induced migraines coming on… (Scene repeats, ad nauseum, in a feeble attempt to bridge a considerable narrative gap.)


Thar's all for today, but be sure to check in at the ravishing University of Davies for more Potter-stocked hilarity: www.theworldofdavies.blogspot.com. And for extra *expert copy-editing!* add this blog to your favourites list. Go now!

Callum's Rant

This amused me greatly, and I feel it should get as much exposure as possible. Here you go, chaps... I find it quite ironic that a collapse in personal vanity should flourish as an unquestionable comic highlight (originally posted at the balding www.dailycallum.blogspot.com).

A. Aside from the sloppy grammar and unenviable grasp of English diction, I must say that this is among the truest things I've ever had the oppurtunity to read. I absolutely detest it when people steal my ideas, and have been known to rant on incessantly, broadcasting my worthless opinions across the internet - where such evil characters as Faust, Adolf Hitler, Mickey Mouse, Whoopi Goldberg, and James Swanton have been discovered. Why, I've known people steal my dentures, trobo-paline, invisible dog leash, inflatable stool, dog with puffy tail, lemon chutney, ideas for a web blog, and my comic ramblings. And I for one steal just about all of those from The Simpsons.

B. I must admit to being quite flattered to be called a "Mister." Usually I'm simply a Lord, Baron, or Master & Commander of the Universe, along with more degrading and dispensable titles thrown my way.

C. And, of course, I'm quiet anxious for my site to get all publicity possible. Thank you for the link, kind sir! You shall be rewarded in Heaven! You can see clearly from the dates on our blogs that Callum's existed long before mine - I am the first to admit that. True, I did start in March, whilst he started in April. But I started in March of this year! Callum, of course, started in April of last year! Which explains everything very neatly. Just one of those extraordinary brainwaves I come up with after I screw up. And I have no idea what a "sight" is. Please enlighten me, by whatever means

D. I think you'll find it's my right whether people have a go at me or not, and fortunately most of those people were mysteriously struck dead after I loaned them a men's afteshave that a giant bat I keep on a coat hanger senses, instinctively tracks, and kills the owner of, before flapping back to watch Q/I. And, yes. I'm quite proud to a be a "f*****g"plagiarist. Like many human beings, I have stolen the letters F to G hundreds of times in my lifetime, and I'm not prepared to stop now. I'm sorry but that's just the way I am. I have also been known to pirate secret documents rushing to and from the Pentagon. These things are best kept a secret.

The full hilarity is enclosed below. Well, tra la la la la:

A. One of the things I hate most in the world is people stealing your
ideas, and claiming them as your own. Doesn't it just get on your
nerves?!!!

B. For instance,
Mr James Swanton...

C. ... has a blog: www.jswanton.blogspot.com
has a
rather irritating habit of stealing my ideas and posting them on his
own
blog.AND he copied me; i had a blog first.So if you ever visit his
sight, it's
basically mine...

D. ... please feel free to have a go at him, the
f*****g plagiarist!!!

Why Whoopi Goldberg Stinks to High Heaven...

1. All her films are unashamedly new.
2. She’s a hack.
3. She trades off a sunny persona to operate evil sweatshops filled with monkeys in the heart of the Amazon Jungle.
4. She’s a hack.
5. She went to school with Davis’ grandma: a relation to that awful James Davis.
6. She’s a hack.
7. Maggie Smith made her look even less professional by comparison.
8. The only reason she won that Oscar © was because she slept with Academy voters… No, wait. Threatened to sleep with them if they didn’t vote for her.
9. She’s a hack. One good point is worth being stated, ad nausem.
10. She makes sequels with the word, “2,” in the title.
11. She insults nuns. Nuns are really rather cool. But not quite as cool as penguins.
12. She sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren, and then sold her petty misdeeds to The Simpsons.
13. She hasn’t made a guest appearance on The Simpsons.
14. She’s a hack.
15. She’s the basis of 69% of all racially motivated attacks.
16. She worked with a certain other hack – Steven Spielberg.
17. She’s a hypocritical old goose, quacking eternally over her degrading crapulence.
18. She hasn’t made any films before 1951. In fact, she refrained from being born in the Golden Age at all. How very selfish.
19. She’s a hack.
20. She appears in direct-to-video sequels. Yuck!
21. Her supposedly “official” website is cruelly linked to the otherwise brilliant www.i-wish-i-could-be-more-like-boris-karloff.com.
22. Her resume consists of discontinued breakfast cereals, traces of Danish cheese, and the blood of lovable kittens.
23. She subscribes to the Capitalist newsletter.
24. Boris Karloff has gone on to a much better place. Whoopi Goldberg festers on a big ball of dirt and water floating through space.
25. Her real domain name is www.how-to-become-an-embittered-old-hack.com
26. Her “sassiness” is so 1982.
27. She holds shares in NBC International. What an idiot!
28. She holds the current record for picking her nose on T.V.
29. She has eternal hat hair.
30. Her real name is Mussolini. Blame her for the millions of fat people who die each year from overdoses of fine Italian ice cream.

Financial Advisement: the Thrilling Conclusion

A reminder of just what you'll get investing with Jaffa's unique clinic:

Financial Advisement

"The secret to money management is to be boldly corrupt and corruptly bold... Do I get paid now? I require funds to construct a flimsy wooden chalet for a wounded chaffinch!"

The late, great Callum Jeffrey is your go-to guy here. He'll give you top notch advice and threats, and all for a miniscule sum.

"Buy that… Sell that. Take out a loan on that. Spin that to face
that. Eat that. Scrape it clean! Scrape it clean! Put these on those. Tack down
those at a forty-four degree angle. Need more back tack! Wash that. Put that on
ice. Befoul that. Saw that one off. Mentally scar that. Explode that. Swivel
that… No – changed my mind: rotate, rotate! Fortify that. Filter this. Lick that
off that. Subtract that perpendicular table from that perpendicular lighthouse.
Travel with that. Swallow that. Bat that. Bat that! Hmm… Out of
that."

A Tentative Note

It has come to my unwavering and slightly shaken attention that there are several entrepeneurs out there on the interweb, entrepeneuring their entrepeneurships around the entrepeneurnet. These scum must die. The blogs in question belong to two of Manor School's most heinious villains, detailed below:

Callum D. (for "Derwent College") Jeffrey posting at "The Daily Yawn."

James W. (for "Wishy-Washy") Davies posting at "All Things Wishy-Washy."

Avoid these so-called "sister sites" with a death vengeance. They will consume, corrupt, and contaminate your immortal soul; chain you in the deepest and most Hellish of Lucifer's pits; and trap you inside an Aero bar.

And please, will Edna Moles, Cheeseman, Maureen/Doreen, and Mrs. Dibb stop posting garbage amidst these golden pillars. All material is subject to my personal approval. Feel free to send a swarm of digital bugs over to these other offending sites. A ladybug(s), as it were.