Why Whoopi Goldberg Stinks to High Heaven...
1. All her films are unashamedly new.
2. She’s a hack.
3. She trades off a sunny persona to operate evil sweatshops filled with monkeys in the heart of the Amazon Jungle.
4. She’s a hack.
5. She went to school with Davis’ grandma: a relation to that awful James Davis.
6. She’s a hack.
7. Maggie Smith made her look even less professional by comparison.
8. The only reason she won that Oscar © was because she slept with Academy voters… No, wait. Threatened to sleep with them if they didn’t vote for her.
9. She’s a hack. One good point is worth being stated, ad nausem.
10. She makes sequels with the word, “2,” in the title.
11. She insults nuns. Nuns are really rather cool. But not quite as cool as penguins.
12. She sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren, and then sold her petty misdeeds to The Simpsons.
13. She hasn’t made a guest appearance on The Simpsons.
14. She’s a hack.
15. She’s the basis of 69% of all racially motivated attacks.
16. She worked with a certain other hack – Steven Spielberg.
17. She’s a hypocritical old goose, quacking eternally over her degrading crapulence.
18. She hasn’t made any films before 1951. In fact, she refrained from being born in the Golden Age at all. How very selfish.
19. She’s a hack.
20. She appears in direct-to-video sequels. Yuck!
21. Her supposedly “official” website is cruelly linked to the otherwise brilliant www.i-wish-i-could-be-more-like-boris-karloff.com.
22. Her resume consists of discontinued breakfast cereals, traces of Danish cheese, and the blood of lovable kittens.
23. She subscribes to the Capitalist newsletter.
24. Boris Karloff has gone on to a much better place. Whoopi Goldberg festers on a big ball of dirt and water floating through space.
25. Her real domain name is www.how-to-become-an-embittered-old-hack.com
26. Her “sassiness” is so 1982.
27. She holds shares in NBC International. What an idiot!
28. She holds the current record for picking her nose on T.V.
29. She has eternal hat hair.
30. Her real name is Mussolini. Blame her for the millions of fat people who die each year from overdoses of fine Italian ice cream.
2. She’s a hack.
3. She trades off a sunny persona to operate evil sweatshops filled with monkeys in the heart of the Amazon Jungle.
4. She’s a hack.
5. She went to school with Davis’ grandma: a relation to that awful James Davis.
6. She’s a hack.
7. Maggie Smith made her look even less professional by comparison.
8. The only reason she won that Oscar © was because she slept with Academy voters… No, wait. Threatened to sleep with them if they didn’t vote for her.
9. She’s a hack. One good point is worth being stated, ad nausem.
10. She makes sequels with the word, “2,” in the title.
11. She insults nuns. Nuns are really rather cool. But not quite as cool as penguins.
12. She sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren, and then sold her petty misdeeds to The Simpsons.
13. She hasn’t made a guest appearance on The Simpsons.
14. She’s a hack.
15. She’s the basis of 69% of all racially motivated attacks.
16. She worked with a certain other hack – Steven Spielberg.
17. She’s a hypocritical old goose, quacking eternally over her degrading crapulence.
18. She hasn’t made any films before 1951. In fact, she refrained from being born in the Golden Age at all. How very selfish.
19. She’s a hack.
20. She appears in direct-to-video sequels. Yuck!
21. Her supposedly “official” website is cruelly linked to the otherwise brilliant www.i-wish-i-could-be-more-like-boris-karloff.com.
22. Her resume consists of discontinued breakfast cereals, traces of Danish cheese, and the blood of lovable kittens.
23. She subscribes to the Capitalist newsletter.
24. Boris Karloff has gone on to a much better place. Whoopi Goldberg festers on a big ball of dirt and water floating through space.
25. Her real domain name is www.how-to-become-an-embittered-old-hack.com
26. Her “sassiness” is so 1982.
27. She holds shares in NBC International. What an idiot!
28. She holds the current record for picking her nose on T.V.
29. She has eternal hat hair.
30. Her real name is Mussolini. Blame her for the millions of fat people who die each year from overdoses of fine Italian ice cream.
posted by James C. Swanton at 12:53 PM
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