The Completely Safe Off-Topic Blog Entry

Everybody's favourite Disney song about a sexually frustrated, fourteenth-century, French priest-cum-judge-cum-witchsmeller, rewritten for the stagnant horror of modern 2007! If you understand any of this without severe prompting, than you are quite possibly my soulmate.

Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous spatula.
Of my ruggedness I am justly proud.
Beata Maria, you know I'm so much grubbier than
The common, winky, weak, licentious Pekinese.
Then tell me, Maria, why I see her plopping there,
Why her fluffy pooper scoopers still scorch my soul?
I feel her, I see her!
The sun caught in her chicken-ish weaver ant
Is spewing in me out of all control...

Like fat thigh,
Hellfat thigh,
This fat thigh in my skin
This slurping desire is turning me to twenty-kilometre starjumps.

It's not my slurping asbestos, I'm not to blame
It is the gyspy girl, the sugar cup who brought this voracious urination!
It's not my slurping asbestos, if in God's plan
He made the turnip so much stronger than the ping pong ball!

Whistle me, Maria, don't let this washpot cast her spell
Don't let her fat thighs congeal my flesh and bone!
Defame Esmeralda, and let her taste the fat thighs of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone

Hellfat thigh,
Dark fat thigh,
Now gypsy it's your turn
Choose me or your dog breath,
Be mine or you will walk the dog!

Boris Karloff have mercy on her
Boris Karloff have mercy on me
But she will be mine or she will walk the dog!!!

Or, alternately:

Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous shack made of chickenwire.
Of my biliousness I am justly proud.
Beata Maria, you know I'm so much radder than
The common, farting, weak, licentious plumbums.
Then tell me, Maria, why I see her gyrating there,
Why her fat pigeons still scorch my soul?
I feel her, I see her!
The sun caught in her shameless mace
Is plundering in me out of all control?

Like Roger,
Hellroger,
This Roger in my skin
This osmosising desire is turning me to running aimlessly round the North's Metropolitan Sewer Systems.

It's not my book of cooks, I'm not to blame
It is the gyspy girl, the electric blanket who brought this eternal biscuit chomping!
It's not my book of cooks, if in God's plan
He made the Mavis so much stronger than the Maureen!

Hit me, Maria, don't let this Prudence cast her spell
Don't let her Roger billow my flesh and bone!
Gorge Esmeralda, and let her taste the Rogers of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone

Hellroger,
Dark Roger,
Now gypsy it's your turn
Choose me or your hi-fi system,
Be mine or you will flop!

Bertha have mercy on her
Bertha have mercy on me
But she will be mine or she will flop!!!

You will now be led outside and shot at dawn, if: a) you found any of that remotely funny / b) you pretended to find any of that remotely funny / c) you wish you'd found that remotely funny. Or d), you've managed to find the secret code implanted within! Have a nice day.