Many people have informed me that I am some sort of a ghoul or creep for working so closely with the deceased during my work experience. This by itself is not a bad thing - Boris Karloff starred as
The Ghoul in 1933, Universal cranked out
The Mad Ghoul with George Zucco in 1943, and Rondo Hatton played the Hoxton Creeper over a number of delightful horror pictures (including the evergreen 1944 Sherlock Holmes melodrama,
The Pearl of Death). However, I get the impression that few of these remarks are meant in this congratulatory, beautiful vein. Or perhaps they are. In any case, it inspires me to write the second section of my ongoing philosophical ramblings:
2. How to ignore the opinions of othersOpinions are peculiar human foibles. Most of use love and detest them at the same time. At their most positive they can inflate the spirit, raise our souls, and heighten our emotions to the most deliciously insane degrees. We become a force for good. At their worst they can corrupt and corrode us, scarring us with self-imposed aberrations and anomalies, blasting our tortured minds down to Hell's lowliest inferno. We do not necessarily become a force for evil at this time - far from it, we are deadened to the world and live out our days as shallow, meaningless zombies. this is perhaps worse. In my honest opinion, it is far better to shut off the great tide of compliments vs. insults in their entirety, rather than finding ourselves influenced by both. Humans automatically assume the worst about themselves, making sure that negative opinions are always so much more potent.
I can't pretend to be anything but human. Just because I'm getting all pious, high and mighty over here doesn't make me superior to anyone. The fault implicit in many internet rants is that they're not self-conscious enough. It's remarkably easy to come off as the successor to Jesus Christ via the printed word alone. And whilst I may enjoy using words like "oneric" and "pleonasm" every so often, they remain mere crumbs where the value of existence is concerned, and not exactly enviable ones. A keyboard is a deceitful weapon, and often projects an entirely wrong image. One simple glance at chat room paedophilia is substantial proof.
Moving on, I, like any other person you're likely to meet, carries a palpable lust for flattery and egotistical soothing. There can be no argument about it: we
know it's an incredibly shallow and unrealistic picture of ourselves, but we lap up every single, little compliment that heads our way. We positively revel in this sort of unrealistic twaddle, and the man that truly believes in it is headed for trouble. All such self-gratifying impulses are doomed. Take a look at sex - one, fleeting moment of mind-blowing ecstacy, and then the miserable sod is wringing his hands in guilt for a few months. Is it worth it? That's up to you. Some people like to live on the "edge." I think it sounds like abuse of a life.
As individuals, we all find ourselves detatched and connected to different aspects of ourselves. Why is difficult to say. "Geek," you say? Well, yes, perhaps that's true. I'm not entirely sure what reaction you're trying to provoke, but this is it... That word or what it entails has never, ever bothered me. However, I do know of certain other people who would be greatly offended by the word and take it to heart immediately. It's when people begin contradicting that which we know in our hearts to be true and have desperately tried covering up for years. I hate being called "clumsy," for example. I do my best to hide this sort of thing, but I know they're right. And since they're right, they're in a position of power. And they win out, and I die quietly inside.
I've always found that insults and hurtful comments are infinitely more powerful than the greasiest compliment in existence. Our minds are predisposed, even programmed, to negativity and immediately thinking the worst. That's an all-too-human fault. Positive opinions may make us feel transparently brilliant, but the negative ones have a habit of blasting us back into reality and filling us with the most foul, revolting despair conceivable. We might even be knocked into that terrible catatonic state I mentioned before the real nightmare looms upon us.
This post is in essence a revolt against indulging ourselves where there's always such a high price to pay. It is my mission to shut off and completely ignore negative opinions about my personality, my social life (or lack of), my interests and hobbies, my sense of humour, my beliefs - anything and everything! It's ridiculously, riotously, maddeningly unhealthy! And this can (unfortunately) only be accomplished by blocking off the more positive notices as well. This technique might not always result in stupendous happiness, but it will certainly protect me from the staggering lows in my life. Trust me, if you all knew some of the downright tragedies (and that is the only suitable word) I have steered through (which shall remain a secret, I'm afraid - I'm not selling my soul for warped publicity from a bunch of internet hicks), you'd know that the preservation of happiness/sanity is key to my life.
And, by the way, handling corpses is not a terribly depressing, damaging experience, and most certainly does not make me a terribly depressed, damaged, graveyard-scavenging monster. It is a peaceful, restful time, perhaps the only time these people's features have radiated complete and utter restfulness and contentment. It is something an outsider to the trade will never understand. It's an experience that's successfully rekindled my faith in God and the afterlife, and one that I look upon as extremely valuable. And anyone who has anything negative to say about that will not register on my sonar system, thank you very much.
I trust myself. I don't need anybody else to confirm or ravage my views of the world and the multitude of experiences it offers. I am perfectly happy right now.
