Mr. Swanton Discusses the Meaning of Life, Pt. 1

As the title indicates, Mr. Swanton is planning to discuss the meaning of life. Though the path may be hard and steep and treacherous, he intends to update his fractured take on existence from time to time. Stand up as I enter the lecture hall. Thank you - spit that gum out, Guinevere. Don't make me come other there! Good. I scared you off. Now, to warm up the projector...

1. How to cope with depression
There are few things more irritating in this existence than people hunting for sympathy. They're parasites. They're wretched, loathsome, coarse, base! Most of them pretend to have problems that are real and meaningful, making them into some sort of poetic creature plagued by injustice, some picturesque, dashing Byronic hero bleeding for compassion. Get real. That's no fun. Especially for the spectator.

This is grousing, plain and simple. Your peculiar public facade is a clear definition of weakness of character and a multitude of personal insecurities - those components of the soul we are all afraid of and fear will never be loved. Why not come out into the open and glut your soul over that one, eh? But if you did that, you'd realise there is no injustice that's been perpetuated against you. These problems exist because of your self perception and your positive lust for popularity. That's your fault, I'm afraid. I feel really sorry for you. And whilst I'd agree that self-pity is one of mankind's most basic requirements -

Wait a moment. Self-pity. The sort of pity one keeps to oneself, perhaps? That's right! (A star, Guinevere!) Cry in the shower every day of the year if you want, it'll get you much further and save the rest of us the bother.

There are matters in this life that demand anger and emotional destruction, and I will steadfastly support you in registering these emotions to the hilt. There are other feelings we should keep to ourselves - for the good of others who simply do not care about your human bumblings, and for the good of ourselves. We will prosper without opening so many awkward windows to the soul. Happiness is much easier to pinpoint than we might think.

But is this information relevant to you? Do you have the terrifying self-pity disease? Here are some common phrases uttered by members of this perverse, skin-crawling cult:

• "I am so depressed." (Translation: "Ask me to elaborate so I can dump my personal difficulties on you.")
• "Why do girls/boys hate me?" ("I want to extract pity from members of the opposite sex and emotionally blackmail them into a relationship for reasons of social standing.")
• "What's the point in living anymore?" ("Tell me how wonderful I am, because I am an egotistical maniac.")
• "I might as well kill myself..." ("Give me a list of reasons why I shouldn't kill myself, mostly centering on how wonderful I am.")
• "I hate my life." ("I wish to improve my rather decent living standards by extracting the sympathy of my peers, hence making myself the centre of attention.")

Here are a few suggested come-backs:

• "Yeah. You just go and tell the starving African children all about that. I'm sure they'll be de-lighted to hear it."
• "Girls/boys hate you because you are physically unappealing and have an abrasive personality. There's the ugly truth for you. Don't talk to me ever again."
• "There is no point to living. There never was. After all, you're a talentless moron and nobody likes you."
• "Here's a knife. Get on with it."
• "What's on TV tonight?"

To all those guilty of self-pity, don't worry. We all do it from time to time. But the sooner we stamp it out of our systems (or, at the very least, that system we show to the world at large), the sooner we will become successful. Success will be spread on a plate in front of us. And happiness will follow. But what is this fabled happiness? Where does it come from? How do we achieve it? Here are some of my thoughts...

Happiness is not conceited or brash or arrogant; happiness derives pleasure from the simple things in life; happiness is woefully uncompetitive; happiness laughs long and loud at the idiocies of the world; happiness always has the last word; happiness is a positive self-image; happiness is a hard worker; happiness is individuality; happiness wins every single argument; happiness does not have to be earned or bought or stolen; happiness is a sense of humour; happiness does not bite or kick or shove; happiness is in God, but not in religious dogma; happiness is what separates the strong from the weak; happiness is never defeated; happiness is silent respect; happiness is never self-conscious; happiness does not go in or out of fashion; happiness respects the opinions of everyone and no one; happiness is generous; happiness is life's most delightful quirk, in other words. Follow this mantra, my friends, and you will notice that "problems" start solving themselves. Ignore the numerous contradictions - life is one massive contradiction.

Those who carry on bargaining by self-pity will eventually dsiocver that they have fulfilled their death wish - all that moaning and sobbing only reduced their lives to the hollow shells they always claimed them to be. It's a contemptible, slimy existence. In similar fashion, you must pretend to be happy at first. And eventually, you might realise you are happy.

Sorry. You will realise you are happy. What a jolly, ebullient way of life.