Mr. Swanton Discusses the Meaning of Life, Pt. 3.5

An unexpected delight popped up in my mailbox this evening. Instead of burying it away with the lesser comments, I felt it was my sacred duty to pin it up here for your reading pleasure:

divvy, while this guy can sound clever using quite advanced vocabulary, you
just sound like a twat. You sound like a really nerdy year 7 that spends his
time reading the dictionary and trying to learn "big words", but doesn't know
where to include them in a sentance, so sticks them in everywhere to appear
"interlectual". Just don't.

Whatever your gripes about my use of the English language (what is it there for if not free use?), it is probably the result of some crushing personal and emotional inadequacies/anxieties that haunt your every waking moment and leave you unfulfilled and woefully unpopular. Fortunately, my vernacular dexterity allows me not only to create your argument, but also to ruthlessly slaughter it.

1. You began your first sentence with a lower case letter. This is poor grammar, and hence representative of its cringing writer.
2. "Divvy" isn't a real word. At least so far as I'm aware. In any case, its impact is lost on me.
3. How dare you address me as "guy." (And so near to Bonfire Night as well, children!) When embarking upon an informal letter it is vital that the receiver knows your identity. This miserable coward didn't have the guts to tell me who they are, obviously terrified that I will beat them up after school.
4. "... Can sound clever..." Oh, but of course, nobody is allowed to be cleverer than you, are they diddums? It would only make you feel terribly insecure. You mention the word as if it's a trait to be admired before completely undermining it. You must have a grounding inferiority complex.
5. "Quite advanced vocabulary"? Is this a joke? Just because the words "ignoble," "maudlin," and "the" don't crop up in The Sun too often doesn't mean they straddle beyond the limits of human comprehension. The average article in The Times is far more complicate dthan what you'll read here. Presuming you can read.
6. "... You just sound like a twat." Wow. Inferiority complex 101. So you remain under the impression that mankind should grunt no more than cunt, shit, fuck, bastard and bollocks, are you? I'm guessing you also watch Emmerdale Farm and drink naught but apple cider and have been caught trying to escape the dreaded school building at some point this week. And you mentioned earlier that I "sound clever." If intelligence and insight is synonymous with degradation and misery, I'm sorry to say that the world just got a bit happier.
7. You typed the word "year" without a capital. Tut, tut, tut - naughty little outlaw disobeying the great God of English grammar.
8. By the way, in betraying the knowledge of Year Sevens, I know at once that you attend my school. You've narrowed down the millions of internet users who might've sent this petty hate mail to roughly fifty. Quite the blunder, I'd say. And I've yet to encounter the miserable Year Seven who will touch a dictionary with a sixty-eight foot literature pole.
9. I do not spend any time at all raiding the dictionary for new words. I use a Thesaurus. And a pretty good one too. I also have the ability to read. You know, the same sort of written article that has stopped your miserable parentage dumping you with a social worker on nine consecutive occasions.
10. "Trying to learn 'big words'..." I don't understand the problem here. Are they "big words" or aren't they? Black or white? Make your mind up, or simply refrain from registering your poorly-thought-out diatribes at all.
11. "Doesn't know where to include them in a sentence..." Right. I see. Where do you go about including alien words in a sentence? Somewhere towards the back? The front? Brackets? Slopey italics following every other word? Somebody as idiotic and foolish as myself desperately requires your insightful services. You are committing a selfish and nefarious deed in hiding your light under a bushel! You must come out into the open and lecture English at Cambridge for a multitude of burgeoning Stephen Frys! Or alternatively fuck off. I don't know, it's up to you I guess.
12. You spelt intellectual in a far from intellectual manner. In fact, it's a travesty to view. I hate to think how you kmust function in a classroom situation. Or a social situation. Or even this far-removed internet situation. Failure is imminent.
13. "Just don't." You've yet to give me a substantial reason why I should retire to tin town and live in a shoebox for the rest of my life. And to exactly waht does this particular "don't" refer to? Don't sound like a nerdy Year Seven? Don't sound clever (woe betide)? Don't learn "big words"? Don't "sticks them in everywhere"? (Since you're doubtlessly carrying a slew of chav-related STIs, you'll already know about the sort of trouble that business can get you into).

Let it be shouted from the mountain tops: James Swanton will not take this display of arrogant, ignorant petulance lightly. If you want to confront me in argument, I shall simply chop your head off with my tongue. If you want to engage in a physical battle of some sort, I shall hold no punches (they say madmen have great strength, you know - and I can already tell I must be much taller than you). If you want to show you have the guts and strength of character to state your opinions face to face, then be my guest. I shall eagerly await your apologies on Monday at school. But you won't win. For I shall carry on. A brief warning: never underestimate the sheer drive and power that bubbles just beneath my velvety surface. You will be shredded instantly and possibly expelled.

And just in case that litany of flowery verse was lost on you, I must add that you are "a cunty, bugger-sucking, bastarding mother fucker of a scumball's bollocking shit heap." And in case the more enlightened, worthwhile, upstanding members of society were unfortunate enough to read that, I send my deepest apologies. Such vermin are beneath contempt. Thank you.